Motherhood by Tina Fey

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.
When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.
Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes and not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.
May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.
Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, for I will not have that shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
-Tina Fey (my homegirl)


  1. I love this. I remember crying the first time I read it (post-natal hormones probably contributed). It's so funny but true!

    Secondhand Stylist Thrifted - Three Ways

  2. I know, Jenn! I cried too! And I didn't even have hormones to blame. Tina Fey is genius. xx

  3. This is have I never seen this before? The one where she "calls me a bitch in front of hollister" I about I can see myself doing it to my mom...(probably an aeropastle back then) and I was so horrible to all comes full circle, no?
    These pics of you and your sweet baby girl are BEYOND beautiful....

  4. This is lovely! As mine are all almost grown, I'm looking back on when they were all little babies like this...blank slates. What precious times! Squeeze every bit of love and joy out of these days and stay in the moment. Because every moment with them is amazing! ~Serene

  5. Loved her book. Love this prayer. I have a 6 1/2 year old girl and similar thoughts run through my head all day long.

  6. Hey ladies and fellow mommies - thanks so much for your words! How appropriate that I posted this, when it's been one of the toughest mommy days EVER for me today. It's a good reminder to hang on to that precious little girl in the stage that she is in right now. xx

  7. my daughter is only 1 and all of this makes so much sense! thanks for posting, i may have to do a tribute of my own!

  8. Just the right mix of reality and love. Amazing.

  9. I'm not a mother yet but this almost made me cry!
    The photos of you and your daughter are so precious :)


  10. This is so, so sweet...what a beautiful post! You and your daughter are adorable together and she is lucky to have you as a mother!

    Liesl :)


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